Boldman's Weekly Parenting Blog

Just a quick follow up to the blog the other day.  When I was talking about a dad discipling his son in a "lifestyle" manner, rather than a "event" manner it sparked a couple of questions/responses.  I would like to discuss some of these here briefly.  A theme that seemed to run through some of the comments was "where doe the time come from?"  This is a great question.  In today's world the answer to that question really isn't going to be very popular.  The time comes from you, as a dad, dying to yourself.  When we, as men, chose to have kids we in essence set our lives aside for anywhere from 20ish years to maybe 40+ years (in my case!).  This is tough.  I think this is why it is called "dying" to self.  In Matthew's Gospel he talks about "taking up our cross daily" and following Christ.  Parenting is following Christ.  In order to parent you must die to self.  God tries to break us in quickly by giving us a helpless, cr...

Well here we are at another blog time.  We will be getting back to the idea of consequences and how to structure and implement them.  For now however I want to address a comment I heard recently from a parent at a parenting class we are teaching.  I was discussing the idea of pornography with a dad in regards to his 15 year old son.  The son had been caught in some pretty heavy pornographic habits and it devastated the family.  When I was talking to the father he was obviously angry, frustrated and disappointed.  The response that surprised me however was that he was caught off guard about it.  His response to me as he was telling me the story of what happened was "but we had that talk."  He went on to discuss how his church had a seminar on pornography and that he and his son had attended and even followed it up with a meeting of their own.  Then several months later...the sin is discovered.  Let me encourage you to view your job of di...

Sorry for the lack of blog posts.  I have spent the last two weeks in doctor's appointments having MRI's done on my spinal chord.  I have had several neck surgeries in the last year, and we thought (think) I may need one more.  I had my final MRI yesterday and they are supposed to give me the results early next week.  I would appreciate your prayers and patience in this area.  I am still teaching a bi-monthly parenting class and am looking forward to including much of this information into the blog!  Thanks again for caring and I hope you are busy reading through the material on our resource page.  One of the best "big picture" books on our page is Child Training Tips , by Reb Bradley.  If you are not already reading this you need to!  There is another great read titled Sacred Parenting , by Gary Thomas that is also an amazing resource.  Use them!

Before we get into dealing with the bigger sins and some options for consequences I want to address one other area of concern...the heart.  If you go back and read previous posts you will see where I have addressed some various aspects of heart change.  My point today is what to do when you have obedience, but their heart is far from you. This is a BIG deal.  If your child is still having a hard time just obeying (or he is actually enrolled just to keep him safe since his obedience is so far off the mark!) then for now you have to just focus on getting him to comply, but eventually you will need to work on the attitude that goes along with obedience.  We all know when they are giving outward obedience, but they are standing with a fist raised in the air on the inside.  God calls us out on this type of "obedience".  Isaiah 29:13 talks about a people who "...honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me."  God considers this disobedience at b...

I want to talk today a little bit about setting up some discipline methods that can be set up in your home that will allow you to succeed as a parent.  If a kid doesn't know the boundaries, or what the consequences are for crossing a boundary, then you will just keep having unexpected fights and making disciplinary moves that look vindictive and knee-jerk.  So, where do we really start?  Most people reading this blog will have teenage boys, so we will start there.  To be honest rethinking your parenting style when a son is in his teenage years is tough.  It can seem hopeless and overwhelming.  One of your reasons for trying to come up with disciplinary methods should be for the future generations that will come in the form of grand kids.  I am going to assume most of you either no longer spank your son, or possibly never did, so that method of instruction is taken out.  If by some chance you do/did and you want to use that method as a correction ...

Sorry the entries are fewer than normal.  No excuses...but, we are in the midst of a lot of new kids and it is keeping me busier than usual.  So, with that said... here we go!  This week I want to discuss a section of Scripture that I think will hit every one of us no matter where we might be on the sanctification scale.  I had to step in and preach for my father this weekend, and his church is comprised mostly of 70+ in age members, and I'm being literal.  I thought I would give them some verses of encouragement and ended up encouraging myself as well, and now hopefully you!  In 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 "For our present troubles are small and won't last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."...

Coming off of break is always hard.  For some parents it is a huge relief as their sons haven't quite got it all together yet, and there is the sad realization of this.  For others it is a hard reminder that we are stuck in a fallen world where so much is dictated by the clock.  For me, I actually start a mental countdown in my head of how many days I have left on the FIRST DAY OFF!  It's so pathetic!  My wife always gets on my case about thinking about it too much and too soon...but I can't seem to help it.  I think it is one of God's reminders that on His new Earth we will not have to live under the constraints of time.  We may indeed still operate within a time structure, but we have all eternity to work with.  We will never run out of time, or have to end a particular evet until we are truly ready to do so.  God has been very good to us these past two weeks off.  We were blessed with the wedding of our second oldest son, and we were...

Today's entry may seem a little harsh, but life is harsh.  Around here I often incorporate a little saying that goes like this: "Shut up, and Obey."  It is plain and simple and it works.  I am not the biggest fan of the words shut up, but it gets to the point: right now you don't have an opinion, and you just need to obey.  This is a very tough concept for some of today's teens.  Our culture, and to be frank our parenting, have taught them that they are our peers, that they have a voice in most matters of family policy, and that if they don't like what you are saying...then argue and throw a fit...you will get what you want.  This has to end.  In Ephesians 6:1-3 the Bible states "Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.  Honor your father and mother, for this is the first commandment with promise, that it may go well with you and that you will live long on the land."  This verse has been over preached and under trained in ou...

Ok, I had a long session typed up, and then had to leave my desk for awhile...and someone exited out without saving the material! So, I am going to try and recreate the blog.  If I ramble a little I apologize...I hate wasting time.  As parents we have an obligation to raise our kids, or employ help to do so (as when a kid isn't willing to listen to his parents, or when he has put himself or his family in danger), but what we are NOT allowed to do is stand by and watch and just hope for the best.  Often times as parents we know something is wrong or we see discipline that needs to happen, and we ignore it.  Why do we ignore it?  We are lazy, or we are conflict avoiders, or we simply don't want to cut into our "comfort time" and do something about whatever is going on.  If you don't know what I mean think back a little...your kids are younger and they are fighting in the back room.  Do you get up off the couch (it is after work in the early evening and ...

I am writing this section on preferences vs. convictions.  The difference in these two words constitutes many of the fights we are probably experiencing in our households, and how we present them to our children.  When we became house owners that position came with authority and responsibility, the same goes for parenting.  The responsibility we know well, and feel the effects of it all the time.  Bills to pay, mouths to feed, "stability" to try and provide for the members of our household...etc.  But what of the authority?  How does this really play out? When we start to exercise our parenting muscle we are navigating our way through preferences and convictions.  Preferences are the way we like things done.  This has to do with how we were raised, our personalities, and the various ways we have envisioned our lives coming together.  This is all within our bounds, and we are allowed to "call the shots".  We are the head of the household...

Last week we talked a little about being on the same page as parents, and presenting a unified front.  I want to discuss this just a little further because it seems to be a common issue in the families we are working with.  So, what do you do when the mom and dad are beginning to realize they are working from different angles.  By this I mean you both see the problem your son is dealing with, but you can't seem to agree with each other on how to handle it.  When my wife and I were in our third year of marriage we had an interaction that probably saved our marriage from imploding.  My wife was about 2 months pregnant with our first child and we were going to central California to visit her parents.  When I pulled our car into her parent's driveway I ran over a water hose that had been stretched across the driveway to water some plants.  Well, you would have thought I was involved in some horrific crime if you had seen my wife's response to me running o...

Just a quick update for today.  I want you to begin thinking about what coming home should look like.  What I say in this blog will be structural, and not fully detailed out...that is your job.  You can/should enlist help in filling out details, but at the end of the day, it is you who must figure out what healthy living looks like in your home.  It is my desire to see every student who attends Future Men go home and live as a healthy member of the family again.  I realize this isn't always possible for every family, but it is something that should at least be considered.  Obviously the student must want to live at home in order for this to be an option.  The first part of being able to come back home and live in peace, is for there to be an authority structure in place and everyone on board with how this plays out.  For a child's sake (your son) this is mom and dad.  Biblically speaking it is the dad who is the ultimate authority in the hom...

As the weeks go by here at Future Men, keep in mind the ultimate responsibility/goal of your parenting; to bring up your son (and children at home) in the nurture and admonition of the Lord- Ephesians 6:4.  This 'bringing them up', can be characterized in three elements: self-control; wisdom; and responsibility.  These are traits we need to be trying to instill as we train, disciple, pray for, and live life with our kids.  Today I want to just hit on self control a little bit.  This is sort of summed up in the reality of having God-given passions, but not being ruled by them.  This is the common denominator that runs through every Future Men student (and staff!) that has ever walked on to our property.  God gave us our passions to inspire, and add flavor to life.  We have sadly taken God's gift and turned them into the deciding factor in how we live life.  In the students we see this played out in how they respond to whatever is going on around t...

It has been longer than I would like between writings, we had a guest speaker last week and I spent my time with him rather than my computer!  It was a great week with another student giving his life to the Lord!  Please keep in mind that salvation, like most things in life, take adjusting to.  2 Corinthians 5:17 tells us that we become a new creature, but we are carrying our old nature around with us...these boys who give their lives to Christ have some serious "un-learning" to do.  My encouragement today comes in the form of perseverance.  Dont' give up. My wife and I currently have 2 kids out of college, 3 in college and a slew of kids running around the house still, but what I am finding is that even with the older kids, we are not done!  When our kids leave our protection and accountability it takes them awhile to find new resources.  One of my sons has moved to a different state, seems like my job is done...or maybe not!  He still needs to ...

Just a quick note about our conversation this morning in our adoption worldview class. I was discussing with the boys the idea that what we put into our heads is eventually going to come out in our actions.  The two big Scripture proofs of this are Psalm 119:9-11 and Luke 6:45.  We spend so much of our time filling our heads with worldly knowledge and agendas, then we are somehow surprised when our actions start to go down a wrong path...why are we surprised?  Do we think that God will somehow not be found to be right?  Or that for some strange reason we are going to be the exception to God's truths?  I tell the boys all the time that one of their biggest deceptions is the belief that they are exception.  They will be the one person who is able to do drugs and somehow not be destroyed.  They will be able to participate in sexual promiscuity and not reap the sinful effects... and the list goes on and on.  We are NOT the exception, we will be the n...

Just a quick reminder to be reading the books I suggest on our resource page or in these blogs.  If you are not growing your mind you are probably going backward, or possibly just buying into the world's perspective.  I would like to throw a challenge out there to begin to be reshaping your home now, while your son is still here at Future Men, don't just get comfortable now that the main source of drama is gone, be inspired to change things.  This week make a list of the things that most concern or even anger you that are going on in your home.  Here are some possible culprits: music being played; movies being watched; games being played; amount of time on a device, like a phone; the friends who are coming over or who your son goes to see; messes being left for you to clean; tone of voice and words that are being addressed to you; treatment of siblings; disregard to your curfews or lack of cooperation in being where you ask and when...need I go on.  Make a deta...

Well the first installment of this blog is a week late! That may become a habit, I hope not.  Spent a good portion of last week at a conference in Texas dealing with teen issues.  It was very helpful and good to be around other people striving for the same cause.  In looking back and reflecting over what I learned while there I would really encourage you to be pushing for every opportunity to push your kids in the direction of the kingdom.  By that I simply mean, push them back to Christ.  Help them realize that every situation in life is either bringing glory to God or it isn't.  There really isn't neutral ground.  I went over a section in Psalms today with the boys out of Ps. 139.  It is a familiar passage to most on how God was fully aware and in charge as they were being formed in the womb.  I was stressing the point about what "fearfully" and "wonderfully" made might mean.  For me, it creates a healthy "fear" of God to realize the ...

The goal or purpose behind this blog will be to equip parents to be ready for their sons when they return home from Future Men, as well as help for the other kids in the family back at home.  There is so much knowledge available if a person is willing to read and grow.  It is my desire to spur on families to love and good works!  I don't really want to spend a bunch of time going over my grammar and sentence structure, so if I make some mistakes...roll with it!  Please feel free to text or email me questions, and to ask for more details, in regards to whatever is written.  I hope this is a blessing to you, and I ask for your prayers as we go forward together!