2/5/18

I am going to talk just for a minute about the idea of pushing your son to make more than just pragmatic changes during his stay here at Future Men, but also realizing that once you have spoken your encouragements, concerns, and frustrations, that the end results are not in your (or my!) hands.  God has promised that His Word will not return void, and that He also finishes what He starts.  The big question is...whose work is it?  When we stand back and evaluate the lives of our own children it is very hard to be objective (probably impossible is a better word for it).  We see the good in them, what most parent's lovingly (and wrongfully) call their son's "good heart."  This "good heart" is often times in direct opposition to t he actions we are observing.  I have a prior blog regarding this topic, so go back and search for a topic regarding taking your son's actions for a direct reflection of what is in his heart. and why you should be thankful he basically "showed you his cards." When we see things that disappoint we get sad, disallusioned, and begin to make excuses for them.  Wrong behavior on our part.  So, back to today's topic.  In my research I have found that our success varies, and comes in different levels of measured behavior.  For example; we tend to be about 20% successful in seeing boys own the main aspects of the Future Men mission.  They have graduated from high school (or got caught up if they are on the younger side), have received a good amount of job training, and have had exposure to a lot of Worldview training.  This along with a positive outlook on home and a desire to be a healthy member of the family again.  Pretty much across the board these students seem to have owned what we set out to try and instill in them.  The lion's share of the boys here (about 60%) fall into the pragmatic success category.  These boys finished their school work, got their job training, and are willing to comply at home again.  For many parent's this seems like a great success.  I have come to find however that these boys are sort of playing a game.  They are obedient, yes. But they are obedient just to avoid consequences.  If they thought they could get away with some general foolishness and wouldn't get caught...then they would probably do it.  This type of behavior is describing a pragmatic change, not a genuine heart change.  So what do you do if this is what you are seeing in your son?  You need to start thinking carefully about the next step. This type of change is better than where he may have been prior to coming to Future Men, but he is still not in a safe place.  The best way to continue to have influence and "control" on a boy like this is to have a very clearly defined expectation and consequence sheet.  These boys don't want to give up their freedoms again, so they will follow rules.  IF, and only IF you have them clearly laid out and enforce them.  In reality this is one of the job descriptions of a parent, so don't be too disappointed if you find yourself in this category, embrace it and be glad you have their ear once again.  As a program, and as a parent, it is our duty to be faithful, not successful. We pray for success and strive for it, but it is not guaranteed.  Being in a program helps kids realize they have a lot of freedoms in life and they need to learn to protect them, not taking chances on losing them as soon as they step out of your sight.  One of the ways in training for this is to have them work on assigned tasks that are clearly defined and then checking on them and following through with known pre-arranged consequences.  A young man that is characterized by pragmatic good behavior (not motivated by heart change) is practicing self-control for many other areas of his life, and though it may feel less than desired it is still better than outright defiance and sneaking around.  Again, dont' be satisfied, pray and strive after deeper change, but know that true change is in the hands of God, not you or I.  I'm going to come back around just for a minute though to reiterate and earlier point, just because the change isn't within our control doesn't let us off the hook.  We are the parents and we must therefore give an account of how we are raising these boys.  Be strong, stay faithful to the task at hand, and every day pray for God to change them, and to expose the areas in their lives that are in need of change.

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