11/24/17

This blog is going to cover a subject that comes up a lot here at Future Men, and it is the subject of when is my son a man.  I think we want to talk to, and consider our sons as men asap, and they want the privileges that come with being a man asap, but when it comes to disagreements and we as parents trying to flex our "parental muscle"...well, it seems to be a different story.  Here is what I mean. You are at a crossroads of some big choice your son is wanting to make, and you stand in disagreement with his choice.  He wants to pull out the "I'm 18" card or "why can't I be treated as an adult?" Both of which are great points or great questions (which to be frank they are not really questions on your son's mind, it is just words used to convey disagreement.  So, how do we avoid this type of conversation, or worse, what do we do now if we are already in the middle of a conversation like this? Many parents ask me what will happen when their son is in our program, and he turns 18...I say "nothing will happen, it's just another day."  Because it is. The magic age of adulthood is an American idea that carries no real life weight, for good or for bad. For example: turning 18 doesn't make your son truly ready to provide for themselves if they haven't been planning, saving, and preparing for this day for years.  This is where even you can be hit with the reality of 18 means nothing.  This is also true in the arena of your son's ability to make his own choices regardless of your thoughts when they turn 18.  Again, 18 means nothing.  To be blunt, 18 means that if they commit a crime the law holds them accountable, and they can also now vote.  Other than this, your son might as well be 25 or 15...the question is, "is your son a responsible man?"  This really boils down to can they survive in a healthy manner without your financial help.  You need to begin to instill this early, I would say begin training this idea into them from the time they are 13 and onward, maybe even younger if it seems appropriate.  In our society we tend to look at 18 as the number when a boy or girl no longer has to do what mom or dad tell them.  I guess there is some possible truth to this, but the bigger picture is one of protection and a covering.  By this I mean as long as a child remains humble and obedient at home he is probably a welcome fixture.  There are some boys who are wanting out (in a good way) by the time they are 16.  As a parent this is actually fulfilling what our ultimate desire should be, to produce healthy, self reliant adults to add to our world.  Hopefully these healthy adults are Kingdom shapers.  From an early age you need to be preaching the idea of what exactly you willingly and joyfully provide for them, and what about that provision will change when they are ready to "go out on their own."  The main things we as parents are providing are: food, shelter, clothing, emotional support, health insurance, cell phone, use of a car, possibly car insurance and gas, health insurance, medicines (aspirin, cough syrup...etc.), and entertainment (t.v., music devices, vacations...etc.).  If you begin to make them aware of these things early on (not in a guilt trip way or in anger) then they will have a much fuller appreciation for them, but they will also begin to realize how ill equipped they really are to go out on their own. Many parents have this false hope that a high school "Life Skills" class is going to suddenly make all the pieces fit for their son and he will begin to fully obey and appreciate what he has, well, he won't.  So, start drilling in their heads now as part of their training, what exactly you are providing, and what it takes to survive.  Another thing to remember as a parent is the reality of what your patterns in parenting are telling them.  If you always bail them out of tough spots, or quickly fix whatever mistakes they make along the way... then they are right to fully expect that not to change when they are "on their own."  It is tough to watch our child suffer hardships, so, instead of being tough, we fix things.  We are prolonging the problem and creating a monster.  We keep threatening to cut them off, and then we bail them out.  We keep telling them how they are not ready to make adult decisions and how the day will come when we won't be there to rescue them any longer, and then we do.  So let's train instead of just responding.  There is an old saying that goes something like: "causes less damage to prevent a fire, then the damage caused by putting one out." By this I mean, if we are training our sons (in moments of non-conflict) to the realities of what exactly it takes to survive, and that we are very excited for that day to come, then they will be working in unison with us more to get their lives to that point.  It seems so vindictive and even mean to threaten to pull this type of support when our kids are about to make a negative life altering decision, so we only do it when we are at our wits end.  Maybe we had an argument and our kid is threatening to run away, or maybe you find out they are doing drugs or some other destructive choice while still under your protection and care.  This hardly seems the time to throw in there a threat.  So we are left with rough alternatives. Sometimes the law steps in and we are given some time, other times a rehab or a Future Men type option becomes a reality, but again, I think it better to learn to prevent fires than put them out.  So get busy.  Figure out all of the things that would make you pleased as a parent to see your son take responsibility for on his own.  Those are the things that you have conversations about now, those are the things you train into them now.  This has probably rambled a bit and maybe been jumbled...I apologize.  This is an area I am working on in my own life, so I was thinking out loud through this blog more than teaching.  That isn't always the best way to communicate information, but I hope it helps. I welcome your feedback.