6/29/17

I want to talk today a little bit about setting up some discipline methods that can be set up in your home that will allow you to succeed as a parent.  If a kid doesn't know the boundaries, or what the consequences are for crossing a boundary, then you will just keep having unexpected fights and making disciplinary moves that look vindictive and knee-jerk.  So, where do we really start?  Most people reading this blog will have teenage boys, so we will start there.  To be honest rethinking your parenting style when a son is in his teenage years is tough.  It can seem hopeless and overwhelming.  One of your reasons for trying to come up with disciplinary methods should be for the future generations that will come in the form of grand kids.  I am going to assume most of you either no longer spank your son, or possibly never did, so that method of instruction is taken out.  If by some chance you do/did and you want to use that method as a correction option please email or call me and I can give you some healthy thought s on how to use the one tool we are commanded by God to use and one that offers instant results.  But, for the rest of you here are a few guidelines.  There are two types of offenses in my opinion when bringing up sons: the first are the simple daily offenses that require quick, immediate , and appropriate means of dealing with the infractions.  An example of a simple offense would be not finishing a chore, leaving a dirty room, an improper response, or another such offense.  For these keep in mind that you have probably made the problem bigger than it really is by not dealing with it daily, and by not being consistent.  Always address the offense first. Make it clear what was done wrong and what you had expected instead.  For example: "I asked you to clean out he garage, but instead you just piled everything in the corner and hoped I wouldn't see it.  I had asked that you arrange the shelves, sweep the floor, and pick up any trash and dispose of it properly."  That addresses where he went wrong and what you had wanted him to do.  At this point it requires addressing the issue (which you just did) and applying some method of discipline.  The first thing needed is to go back and finish the chore correctly.  I would write out your expectations step by step and then go over each step and make sure he is clear of your expectations.  If you did this before the job was assigned it is even better, and when checking the chore you can simply go back with him and read over the list step by step and have him point out where he deviated from the plan.  Do not be emotional and try not to be condescending when reading the list, keep it black and white.  After you read the list and inform him that he will be going back and doing it completely, then go over his consequence for not following instructions the first time through.  Always make this about him, this is NOT you against him, or that he "never can please you, or it's just never good enough."  If he starts pulling that stuff he is simply diverting the attention off himself and blame shifting his failure to you and your unrealistic expectations.  If he is listening now then go ahead and assign the consequences to him (see below), if he is not responding appropriately (yelling, crying, walking off..etc.) then see my next blog for a talk on the more serious offenses.  Now, what are some good consequences for this type of offense?  1. Go back to the garage and have him deep clean.  Instead of just arranging the shelves and sweeping the floor, let him mop it also and wipe down the shelves.  Have him vacuum the baseboards... basically add about an hours worth of extra work that is a related consequence.  By related I mean it makes sense in relation to what he did wrong the first time around.  You could also assign another area of the house that is similar to the garage (like a workshop or maybe a game room) and have him deep clean that.  Grounding him from a gaming system (which is another talk altogether!) or not letting him go to youth group is unrelated and will just anger him and start a root of bitterness growing in his heart.  Always keep it about him, this is not a power trip on your part or a "victory" for you to win.  You are doing your job as a parent and the winning will be all his as he progresses down the road to manhood.

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